Wikipedia classifies cargo pants as ‘battledress’. That’s right, ‘battledress’. A garment that a warrior might wear in combat. That in itself is enough to give the garment supremacy in my wardrobe. For their honourable service to my legs, I decree today’s great thing to be:
75. Cargo Pants
They are truly the slacks of pedestrian superheroes. No need for a utility belt when you’re wearing these bad boys. You can be your own Swiss Army knife. But, the reasons why these bottoms are tops are manifold.
I currently only own a couple of pairs of cargo pants. A nice olive green pair that I got on-sale at J.Crew a few years ago and a Capri length stone-coloured pair. This needs to be rectified. I should have at least four pairs. I like the type that feel like brushed cotton and have ample pocket-space. Pockets are awesome. I don’t even like buying the pants that have the back pockets buttoned up. What’s the point?
Is there something aesthetic that I’m missing? Who wants to sit on buttons? And Kangaroos sneakers–you know, the ones with the zip pockets on the side? Well, they were totally under-appreciated. The more fashionable versions of cargos, with teeny impenetrable pockets that couldn’t store a paper-clip, do me no good. My love for cargos is far more than pure physical attraction. My clothing and shoe choices are often dictated by my more utilitarian leanings. I am a lesbian, after all.
I don’t carry a purse as, like earrings, they look weird on me–like work boots on a Republican weird. When I go to work, I carry a Manhattan Portage messenger bag. This suits me just fine. The only problem is that I don’t have anything that feels right if I’m just going out in the evening or if I don’t feel like slinging my messenger bag on me for the day. That’s why my favorite ensemble is cargo pants, hoody, and jacket. With all that storage capacity it feels like I was dressed by Ikea.
Another reason why cargo pants have my undying loyalty and affection is that they are the perfect way to smuggle snacks into movie theatres.
Even if you’re pants are so stuffed with Junior Mints and water bottles that your once straight-legged cargos now look like riding pants, the usher is unlikely to give you a pat down.
A final reason that I am enamored with cargo pants is that they look good with most of the shoes that I own. You can totally rock any kind of sneaker and most boots with them. This puts way less pressure on my sensibilities in the A.M.
Ten things you could find in my cargo pants at any given time:
1. Cell phone
3. Mp3 player. I used to have a massive one (about the size of an old Sony Walkman tape player–Napolean Dynamite-like). It would still fit into one of my pockets.
4. Chapstick. If you’ve got lipstick in your pocket instead, you’re wearing cargo pants wrong.
6. Matches– I don’t smoke but you never know when someone hot might ask you for a light.
7. Pen–In case I think of something pithy that I need to record.
8. Lint–By accident
9. My key chain
10. Sony PSP–actually this isn’t true. But if I HAD one it would be. I so want one.
You and me against the world, cargo pants. Together, we can do anything!
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