Next up, David Cross on Totinos Pizza Rolls

Jim Gaffigan is a funny guy.  Back when I had a fabulous life in New York City, I remember seeing him at Gotham Comedy Club, I had recognized him from the teevee and liked his set very much.  He was also part of a strong supporting cast on Ellen Degeneres’ second network sitcom, the short-lived–The Ellen Show.  After Cloris Leachman, he was my fave.  Two quality memories.  So,though I admired his droll humour and silly voices before I was familiar with today’s great thing, I like him even more now.  In fact, I’d have to go as far to say that the following bit has left a major imprint on me.  I just can’t get the Hot Pockets little jingle out of my head.

39.  Jim Gaffigan’s Hot Pockets Bit

Take five minutes out of your busy day now please to enjoy some comedy:

This bit featured in his “Beyond the Pale” tour, which apparently, was primarily a food-based comedy set.  I think I may ask for the CD for Christmas.  I like food comedy.  I can usually relate to it because I eat food.  I get jokes!

His current tour, which, unfortunately, I probably won’t get to see in the UK, is “The Sexy Tour”.  I suspect that he means that to be a facetious title, but come on.  Let’s not be too modest.  Checkout this yoyo that a fan made in his image.

I'd spin that.

In fact, the only thing that I haven’t liked about Jim Gaffigan were those Sierra Mist commercials.  Talk about wasted star power.  Those ads also made Michael Ian Black seem unfunny.  And Kathy Griffin!  Wha????

I suppose if those commercials taught me anything, it’s that I like my Gaffigan to be mocking what he eats instead of shilling it.  Plus, I’m pretty loyal to Sprite.

The Hot Pockets rant is a good one.  Sure they might be an easy target–Hot Pockets are enticing and terrifying at the same time.  Their hot crunchy outsides, their scorchingly gooey insides, and their unbeatable convenience are a magical trifecta.  But if you gaze too deeply at them,  if you stare into the center of that pastry, you’re going to be confronted with an ugly truth.  The truth that you are eating, what is essentially, an unknowable entity.  Sure the manufacturers, Nestle, take a stab at it by listing the ingredients–but I think those are just educated guesses.  Hot Pockets are truly the devil spawn of chemical sciences and culinary arts.  So, yes, they are an easy target, but Jim Gaffigan truly goes in for the kill.  He murders Hot Pockets.  Yet, even after he has completely disemboweled that snack (meal?) comedically, there is no question that it’s from an affectionate stand-point.  I think Jim Gaffigan actually loves Hot Pockets.  I think his freezer contains at least two boxes of them at all time.  I also think that he’s probably experienced all of the flavors.

Hot Pockets come in a bajillion varieties nowadays.  It’s not enough to stuff them with the mundane and the familiar.  Our multi-cultural society has encouraged their growth into what is a veritable United Colors of Benneton of the freezer section.  You have croissant hot pockets, panini hot pockets, and a whole Mexican filling line.  To read more about Hot Pockets either click here or visit your local library.

Hot for Hot Pockets?

I’d recommend clicking on the ‘Hot Pockets Dojo’ link from that page–only so that I can beg you to help me understand it.  I usually like absurdist stuff but I’m not crazy about the Hot Pocket dojo.  I’m guessing that it’s the result of a brainstorming session with marketing executives who wanted to reach some kind of unknowable demographic?  Who is the Hot Pocket Dojo site created for?  I’m guessing that it may be for people who enjoy Carlos Mencia’s show and only the unfunny Cartoon Network programs?  At any rate, you don’t have to try to win these people over as converts.  I’m sure they’re already loyal customers and have happily consumed many a Hot Pocket.

In closing, I’m trying to get the words Hot Pocket into the American vernacular as slang for female genitalia.  There’s so many unflattering terms out there…like ‘tuna taco’ and *shudder* ‘beef curtains’.  If we’re gonna stick with food metaphors, I think ‘Hot Pocket’ has a nice sound.  It’s warm, cozy, and women don’t have to slave over a hot stove all day long for people to enjoy them.  It’s modern, it’s female forward, it’s catchy.  Try it out next time you have a reason to use the word ‘vagina’ in a sentence.


P.S.  Here’s a link to Jim Gaffigans website if you enjoyed his comedy as much as I do!

Jim Gaffigan

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1 Comment

Filed under comedy, People, Vittles

One response to “Next up, David Cross on Totinos Pizza Rolls

  1. Kate

    We have the same name!

    A friend told me about this blog, and I am glad he did. I spent some time in the States and understand what Hot Pocket really means!

    I did see Jim Gaffigan on the Ellen show and I thought he was ok, but that comedy bit was very funny.

    I like this blog it is fun, a bit of light relief at work!

    Thanks

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