Monthly Archives: May 2009

Black Betty

Normally when I elect to write about a performer, I like to narrow it down to a specific role or performance.  With today’s great selection, it was just way too hard to try and hone in on that one special ‘golden’ moment.  Call me lazy but I just don’t have the time to trawl through 60 years of showbiz trivia in the space of one week.  This performer is just too prolific for my deadline. That’s why I’ve gone a different route and have harvested some of the oddities featuring this actress that live on-line.

85.  Random Betty White Cameos and Vids

Betty White is a national…nay–GLOBAL treasure.  Growing up, I only knew her as Rose Nylund from the show “The Golden Girls”–a sitcom that never ceases to get at least one good giggle out of me per episode.  I’d like to thank Lifetime Television for ensuring that I can continue to enjoy that program every day for the rest of my life.  But Betty White has many skills.  Her resume includes the following:  model, animal activist (she’s purportedly a vegan), game show goddess, talk-show regular, sitcom actress, movie star, and sassy Grandma.

The more mature readers of this blog may recognize her from such television series as  “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and the aptly named “The Betty White Show”.  She reaches a younger, viral audience today mostly by spewing out unexpected obscenities like in this roast of William Shatner:

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For more shockinginly filthy Betty, check out this clip from FunnyOrDie.com :  Behind The Scenes of The Proposal

But she’s so much more than just an unexpected dirty word…

In the late seventies, Betty was a frequent guest on game shows.  If you were on “Password” and wanted a win, you best be paired up with Betty.  She was a lock.  Check this clip out.  It’s like she is sending telepathic messages to her lucky lucky partner.

Now, a couple of talk show clips.  She seems to make regular rounds on the Craig Ferguson show–usually in some type of crazy character persona.  In this clip, she’s playing a McCain speechwriter.

Here’s a cute clip from her appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” wherein Betty goes back to her modeling roots.  Work, Betty White!

This next one isn’t that funny.  But, it’s worth a quick gander just for the sheer delight of seeing Betty White in braces.  It’s a sketch from the TVLand Awards–Ugly Betty White.  Plus, it was kind of hard to find so I thought I should shove it here onto this page before it disappears from the ‘net’ completely.  What can I say?  It’s the collector in me…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

This trip into the Betty White archives has been fun.  What a little dumpling.  Just check out those dimples.

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But sometimes, when researching these great things that I love so dearly, I learn too much…potentially forcing what is a great thing to be cast into a different light.  Turns out, there’s been a long standing rumor about an alleged mutual loathing between Betty White and her “Golden Girls” co-star, Bea Arthur (God rest her soul).  Check out this thread which goes into hilarious detail.  The Rumble in Boca Raton I shudder to think that Betty White–good natured friend to animals and game show contestants–is a total fraud.  To be fair, how likely is it that everyone in this crummy world is going to get on 100% of the time.  Maybe there’s some truth to their rivalry.  Maybe it was like an old school east coast/west coast hip hop battle.  That still doesn’t make either of them a bad person…just not entirely compatible.  Besides, you never know how much of that stuff is true.  Betty White is classy til the end.  Here’s her celebrating her work with Bea after Ms. Arthur’s passing:

Betty White, I hope you’re around to entertain us with your fantastically feisty patter for a good while longer.  And then?  I hope they clone you.

Dimples!

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Another Win For Peter Gabriel Fans

Phil Collins is one of those artists that totally deserves to take it on the chin whenever possible.  He’s like a slobby version of sting but with more annoying songs and a bigger ego to boot.  If that’s possible.  I mean, come on…who does that guy think he is? Remember that movie Buster? Poor poor Julie Walters.  What that woman must have suffered through on set.  Just look at what Uncylopedia has to say about him:  Phil Collins

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Had to listen to him sing "Two Hearts" DOZENS of times.

OK…actually I just went and googled “Phil Collins is a jerk” –so that I could substantiate my viewpoint here–and couldn’t find much.   Disappointingly, everyone on official record testifies that he’s cool and nice and an ‘amazing soul’.  Cowards!  Still, dozens of  bloggers with only strong opinions but no credible sources agree– he is an asshat:  Closest thing to official confirmation I could find. Therefore, I insist today’s blog entry shall continue as scheduled.  This gives me an excuse to share one of my current favorite bits of comedy.  Today’ great thing is this youtube video that my friend Jon showed me:

84.  Phil Collins Goes Mad Video

It’s the video for “Sussudio” but dubbed over with what his music ACTUALLY sounds like to my ears.  Finally, the profane belching that fill my head when the radio spits out “Billy Don’t You Lose My Number” can be shared with the internet-connected masses.

That actually makes me laugh out loud every time I look at it.  The sound effect selection is impeccable.  It’s also extremely comforting to know that I’m not alone in my somewhat irrational disdain for Phil Collins.

I would actually go to a Phil Collins concert if that was a typical performance…and/or if it was the Cadbury’s gorilla on the drums.

Thank you editing genius known to me only as CharliePanther!  I highly recommend checking out some of his other macabre/hilarious creations.  Some even have unexpected Phil Collins cameos…

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Notorious BIG

I’ve never considered myself to be a serious beach person.  I like the sun and fun well enough, but you know those people who claim that strong of a connection that they feel like they HAVE to live by the ocean?  Like, ohmigod their soul is totally connected to the sea and they just don’t know how they’d cope if they couldn’t meditate in front of the curling waves at least twice a week.  I wouldn’t say that I felt that strongly about it.  I can’t compete with that devotion.  What I do have, however, is a deep fascination with the ocean.  It’s like a far closer version of outer space.  It’s so vast and mysterious and impressive. The inhabitants of the sea continue to surprise as we are get newer and newer technology which can make deeper dives.  There is some freaky shit in that big salty soup pot and it boggles the mind.  Can you imagine being shipwrecked in the middle of the ocean.  I’d be so freaked out.  Imagine what might swim up against your legs.  Hopefully, a dolphin would swim along and taxi me home.

Today’s great thing is one impressive sea creature:

83.  The Blue Whale

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Professor Snoopy

My interest in the blue whale was first sparked by Charlie Brown’s Cyclopedia book series.  They were full of hundreds of easily digested factual tidbits covering a range of subjects.  I would sit in the car and read them whenever my Mom dragged me out for a shopping excursion.  I remember reading that a blue whale’s tongue was the size of a car and that fact absolutely exploding my eight year old brain.  Because when you think about it progressively, if a blue whale’s tongue is that big then that must make the rest of the animal frakking enormous.  Then, when you think about how big the whale in total must be, it makes you marvel at how ridonkulously large the ocean must be if you could go for hundreds and thousands of miles of ocean and never even see a blue whale–even though they are that big and there’s about 10,000 of them swimming around out there.  WOW!

Sadly, that 10,000 (some even estimate it much lower at 2000) used to be around 300,000.  But, hey, that’s us humans, constantly derailing the balance of nature.  Besting animals that are thirty times our size!  Blue whales can’t swallow anything larger than a beach ball…so, that’s about all it takes for us to off them…letting slip our beach toys into the undertow.

The model of a blue whale  in The American Museum of Natural History in NYC has always been one of my favorite attractions.  Look at it!

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You gonna eat those fries?

It’s believed to be the largest animal in existence.  Ever! Bigger than dinosaurs even.  The females (which are slightly larger than the males) can grow up to 110 feet long.  What’s amazing about the blue whales is that they subsist entirely on tiny foods:  krill, small fish, squid–the tapas of the ocean if you will.  They essentially take big gulps of sea water during dives and the fibrous baleen in its mouth let the food and water through.

It is also the loudest animal in the world, a title that was previously held by my niece Maren.  The blue whale’s song can be heard from over 600 miles away.  Holy crap!

Here’s some cool nature vids featuring this BFG.

I love David Attenborough.  Isn’t it fascinating that blue whales are descendants of land mammals and not the other way around?  Nature is bonkers!

Considering how massive the blue whale is and that its diet consists basically of sea-bacos, they can move at a pretty rapid clip.   They swim at speeds up to about 30 mph as a matter of fact.  So, you’d probably wanna get out of the way if one was barreling down on you.  Unless you want to feel what it’s like to get filtered out by baleen.

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zoom!

Sometimes  they travel with one other whale but usually they hang out by themselves.  Cuz, you know–they’ve got the blues and shit.  Ba da bing!  Cool.

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Blue whales! Or, as I like to call them, the huge fricking jet planes of the sea.

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Sarcasm Will Always Trump Motivation

One historic day, some genius animal photographer took a snapshot of a wee kitten struggling to hang on to some high-up tree branch.  That person (or some other wizard of copy-writing) cleverly captioned the picture with the humane and uplifting phrase: “Hang In There, Baby!”.  Ever since, offices the world over have been more amiable and productive–reinvigorated with a ‘can-do’ spirit and the cheerful attitude that  we, the people, can get through even the most difficult of obstacles!  Humanity, at last, had the pictorial inspiration that it needed.  OK, well, maybe not so much.  But, everybody does recognize that cat pic, don’t they?  It’s an iconic and earnest bit of self-help design.  It was probably funny/cute when it first came out.  Unfortunately, it’s now only ever viewed as either the subject of parody or as a symbol of loser/lonely cat-lady decor.

That flint, that cat poster, was followed by loads more corporate style ‘motivational’ posters.  Lovingly photographed air balloons floating against a crystalline blue sky are displayed or a fiery Bengal tiger on the hunt, dashing through turbulent shallow water, or a majestic shot of ancient Stonehenge at sunset all with some bit of wisdom to make explode your head whilst you sit in waiting at the dentist’s office.  You know, something like this:

Lake Poster

Well, the Internet at large has finally cottoned on that these are a bit, flippant and should quite rightly be satirized.  These parodies are today’s great thing:

82.  Fake Motivational Posters (also known as de-motivational posters)

One company, despair, inc. , was actually smart enough to make an enterprise out of it.  They, as you can see by the two examples I’ve posted below, stay very close to their inspiration. At first glance, all of their posters could actually pass for legitimate motivational posters.  It’s only when you read the text that you get the joke.

Indifference

Power

Here’s despair’s website if you’d like to see more (or buy a mousepad!)  despair, inc.

Beyond the professional satire of despair, inc. , lie thousands of homemade posters.  The pics won’t often be of the professionally snapped scenic beauty genre.  These homemade ones are typically little more than an excuse to put a funny caption on some embarrassing photo that is available on-line.  You can find these all over the place.  You may have even be forwarded some by a colleague.  They are truly a hot meme.  Some of these are rib-splittingly funny.  Others are just offensive or stupid.  I tried to find a website that discriminated between the clever and the ignorant but that proved impossible.  Scrolling through the handiwork was like reading the comments after a youtube video.  The best and worst that humanity has to offer comes out.  For each one that was hilarious, like this:

Betty White

There would be a counterpart that was sickeningly offensive, racist, sexist, or homophobic.  You know– crap like rape jokes.    Sigh…  There will always be idiots on the net that think they are funnier than they actually are.  At any rate, I’ve trawled through quite a few of the on-line collections, including motifake.com and funnymotivationalposters.net and am now bringing you a few that I found especially entertaining.  Enjoy!

Birth Control

Sense

  • Ninjas

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I bet you’re eager to find more of these gems aren’t you?  I am too.  It’s kind of my new obsession at work.  Well, unless you want to rely on other people compiling lists of the best ones, there IS a pretty good collection at this facebook profile which I believe was set up by the despair, inc. website anyway.  Lots of homemade goodies available within one of their albums… with far fewer racist/sexist/ugly/stupid ones designed by idiots who make frequent spelling errors: Facebook Profile

Also, how badly do you want to walk Cooldog?  Who’s a good boy?!!!???!!!!

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